Contestants: Mothers of sick children
Sub-Events:
- THE WIPE: Contestant must wipe the nose of a child whose head is shaking and jerking at near-lightspeed. Extra points for getting snot on tissue instead of all over child's face. Penalty for accidentally scratching child.
- THE TEMP: Contestant must try to get an accurate reading of a child's temperature. Obstacles include child's inability to keep mouth closed for more than 0.5 seconds [oral option,] or child's attempts to roll, shake, shimmy, and wiggle [rectal option.]
- THE EWW: Contestant must change a baby's diarrhea-filled diaper [or a toddler's diarrhea-filled Pull-Up, in very advanced levels of play] without losing her own lunch.
- THE DOUGH: Contestant must empty wallet as quickly as possible by racking up doctor bills. Extra points given if doctor uses common phrase, "It's just a virus," making visit utterly meaningless.
- THE TRANSLATION: Contestant must listen to child's cough and determine whether it is wet, dry, whooping, barking, productive, getting better, getting worse, frequent, occasional, raspy, wheezing, or any combination of the above.
Readers, with your help, perhaps we can make this a decathlon? Looking forward to your additions to the list of events.
And looking forward to Chickie getting over a bug she's having trouble shaking! Don't worry, I'm sure "it's just a virus."
16 comments:
Molly's having a tough time shaking her bug too. I have a few more events for you.
THE SWORD IN THE STONE: Contestant must accomplish the nearly-impossible feat of taking a pacifier out of the child's mouth in the middle of the night, when it is found that snot has cemented it to her face. (Calling King Arthur?)
THE COMB IN A HAYSTACK: Contestant must successfully comb the tangles out of a child's hair, after copious amounts of snot have been rubbed into the hair by the child, sticking the tangles together. Extra points for every second that this is done without the child screaming bloody murder.
THE 10-YARD DASH: Contestant must dash 5 yards to the tissue box, and 5 yards back to the child, making the entire round trip in enough time to catch the phlegm that the child is coughing up before it lands on the child's shirt or chin.
BINKY PINBALL: Contestant must trace the path of the binky by sound alone through the baby monitor, after it is coughed out at extreme velocity, bounces off various pieces of furniture and hides itself under some piece of said furniture. Extra points for finding it without turning the light on and the child thinks its morning and time to get up!
Thankfully it is so long ago my memory banks have been wiped and I cannot add to the pentathlon. However, may I mention forehead thermometers. I don't know if they are no longer in fashion but that was what we used. They are thin strips of plastic, simply held against the forehead. They don't give an exact temperature but they were a reasonable guide and so much easier to use.
I have no events to add but my hat is off to you, sick mothers of sick children. In fact, I don't even wear hats, so I'm putting one on JUST so I can take it off to you.
Word verification: carbi. Barbie's french fry eating cousin.
THE MAD DASH. In this one the contestant must race with child to bathroom before child throws up. bonus points for making it to the toilet in time. Minus points for a throw up trail leading to the bathroom.
Hope Chickie feels better soon.
THE TREATMENT: Contestant must administer the correct dosage of Motrin/Tylenol/Antibiotics while child thrashes, turns head and tries to run away. Extra points given if child does not spit it back at you.
THE TO-DO LIST: Contestant must still be able to complete all tasks on the to-do list to include (but not limited to) getting dinner done, checking emails, sending packages and cleaning up the house with only one hand while the other is consoling/holding/carrying the sick child. Extra points if you can sneak in a nap with said sick child.
THE DEFLECTION: Contestant must not get sick themselves. All evasive measures are acceptable. Extra points if your other children do not catch what sick child has.
*Now if I could just get rid of this cold!
THE HYDRATOR: Contestants might try to refill a humidifier in complete darkness in the middle of the night. Bonus points for getting it on the first time. negative points for spillage or awakening the child.
THE COIN TOSS: The moment when one of you must decide who stays home with sick child.
Followed by;
THE SCRAMBLE: Phone calls to bosses, scramble for coverage, panic about all the work you need to do and won't get done, guilt about shirking work responsibilities, fear of being seen as unreliable!
THE HYDRATOR 2:
(never had to do this thankfully)
Try to dose dehydrated, vomiting child with Pedialyte every ten minutes. Bonus points for not spilling.
RECOVERY REST:
Successfully get your child to play quietly or rest during recovery phase when the child wants to do more than they're capable of handling.
Becki--Those are awesome! I don't think we've ever had a binky cemented to a face by snot. It sure is a lovely image though.
d--Ha! Unfortunately neither of us is good at binky pinball. And fortunately Zoodle can sleep with a displaced binky more easily than Chickie could. I know you guys have had to play THE COIN TOSS and THE SCRAMBLE a lot lately--hope Molly-o is all better very soon.
Scriptor Senex--That's a great idea! I usually take it under the arm just to get an idea of whether or not they have a fever--but under the arm is so terribly unreliable. A forehead thermometer might be easier and could give me a feeling of whether or not to break out the real thermometer.
Call Me Cate--I sooooo want a Carbi Doll!!!! Now that's the type of role model I can look up to!
Angie--Now, that event sounds like a blast (no pun intended!) I am SO lucky that so far my kids have not been prone to puking viruses. Chickie has had one, and Zoodle none. Knock on wood....
Bri--Those are so awesome! I guess I wasn't very good at THE DEFLECTION this time. :(
Kerri--Sounds like a very challenging event...and it reminds me, I have got to turn on our humidifier tonight!!
nopinkhere--You know, the one time we tried Pedialyte, Chickie hated it. And I don't blame her, it doesn't even LOOK appetizing.
Molly LOVES Pedialyte, which is good because she has a tendency to get diarrhea. She calls it "special juice" (the Pedialyte, not the diarrhea - ha!)
Ugh. Not fun. Hope your household is feeling better soon!
When you can keep your head about you when all around you are losing theirs, then you must be the Mommy! This is a funny, funny take on what you're going through. I love it (but don't MISS it)! :)
The pentathlon that no one ever wants to complete in...I hope you're nearing the finish line!
What about "signing your co-pay receipt while holding the sick baby in sick baby area and keeping the well babies in the well baby area." I always find that challenging. Actually, that could be two events.
THE CATCH AND TOSS
Contestant is judged on how much vomit she can catch in her hands to avoid it getting on the carpet, bed, car, dog, etc.
Bonus points for keeping it in your hands as you run it to the bathroom.
Sadly I have never won that event.
Post a Comment