Recently The Engineer took the morning off work, and we went to lunch as a family before he headed into the office. Nothing fancy, just Del Taco. What a nice way to spend the middle of the day, right?
Except it wasn't.
As we sat there, he brought up something that bugged me. It doesn't really matter what it was; it wasn't that big of a deal. But it pressed one of "my buttons," and I really got on his case about it.
I explained why I disagreed with him. Why he should have handled things differently. I'm sure my blood pressure and heart rate went up. And I probably didn't fully appreciate my gourmet taco meal.
After that lunch, it hit me.
I don't want to nag my husband.
Not Nagging my husband is bad.
Not I'm a horrible wife when I nag.
But I don't want to nag my husband.
See, I'd put a big black cloud over a perfectly nice family lunch date, by making an issue out of something that didn't really matter much at all in the long run. And I realized, I don't really like how that makes me feel, and how it makes my husband feel, and what it does in our marriage.
So I decided I wanted to mostly stop nagging. I say "mostly" because if we stay healthy, we have several more decades of marriage in front of us, and there's no way I'm making a promise to myself to never nag again. I'd break that promise.
But I just decided I really didn't want to do it anymore. Nagging doesn't work.
So I've mostly stopped nagging. Not out of some sense of guilt or obligation, but because I don't want to do it anymore.
And it really does feel so good. I've let go of the responsibility of changing things in him that bug me, a responsibility that shouldn't have been mine in the first place. I have plenty of other jobs; it's really nice that I've got that whole nagging thing off my to-do list.
And best of all, ever since then, Del Taco has been a lot more fun.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, July 15, 2013
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wedding ring mishaps
The Engineer and I had been dating several months and, though we weren't engaged, we were talking about marriage. He took me to northern California to visit his mom and stepdad. (His dad passed away before I met him.)
"I have my mom's old wedding and engagement rings," The Engineer told me. "If you want to, you can see them when we visit. If you like them, we can use them. But don't feel obligated; if you don't like them, I'll buy you something else." I nervously and excitedly agreed.
The big ring reveal came...
...and I immediately loved the ring set. The style--classic yet not old-fashioned, simple yet not boring--suited me wonderfully. The diamond is not huge...but probably quite a bit bigger than my husband-to-be would have been able to afford; he was still paying off college back then. And since I didn't know The Engineer's dad, I have always liked wearing this ring set that connects me to his parents' happy marriage.
We had the rings sized, and I not-so-patiently waited for the big question, which he finally asked. After a four-month engagement, we were married. I still love my rings (though I should have gotten them cleaned before snapping that photo!)
I'm actually lucky to still be enjoying these rings. Four months after our wedding day, I accidentally put them down the garbage disposal! Thankfully the disposal was only turned on for a very short burst. The rings were bent and scratched a little, and the large diamond fell out. Miracle of miracles, I retrieved it, and after an awkward confession to my new husband, we took the rings to a jeweler for repair.
The jeweler suggested that I get all the small diamonds re-set; the prongs were wearing down. My mother-in-law had worn the rings for over 25 years. "Prongs eventually wear down, and you can start losing stones," the jeweler explained. We agreed that the reasonable cost of re-setting diamonds was far preferable to the high cost of replacing diamonds!
I was remembering this whole incident--which took place almost exactly 10 years ago--yesterday. A friend posted on Facebook that the diamond from her engagement ring had fallen out. She hasn't been able to find it, and she is of course quite upset. It just so happened that earlier in the day I'd had to run an errand next door to a local jeweler, and I'd noticed the sign in their window advertising free ring inspection and cleaning.
I'm going to take my rings in soon to get them cleaned and inspected. I'm going to specifically ask the jeweler when the prongs need to be replaced again. In fact, I can tell that some of the tiny prongs on the small diamonds are wearing down.
So if you get one lesson from these ring stories, let it be this: If you have rings with stones in them, get them periodically inspected. (And if you get one more lesson from these stories, let it be this: Don't crunch up rings in a garbage disposal, especially not when you're newly-married, and especially if the rings came from your husband's much-loved mother!)
"I have my mom's old wedding and engagement rings," The Engineer told me. "If you want to, you can see them when we visit. If you like them, we can use them. But don't feel obligated; if you don't like them, I'll buy you something else." I nervously and excitedly agreed.
The big ring reveal came...
...and I immediately loved the ring set. The style--classic yet not old-fashioned, simple yet not boring--suited me wonderfully. The diamond is not huge...but probably quite a bit bigger than my husband-to-be would have been able to afford; he was still paying off college back then. And since I didn't know The Engineer's dad, I have always liked wearing this ring set that connects me to his parents' happy marriage.
We had the rings sized, and I not-so-patiently waited for the big question, which he finally asked. After a four-month engagement, we were married. I still love my rings (though I should have gotten them cleaned before snapping that photo!)
I'm actually lucky to still be enjoying these rings. Four months after our wedding day, I accidentally put them down the garbage disposal! Thankfully the disposal was only turned on for a very short burst. The rings were bent and scratched a little, and the large diamond fell out. Miracle of miracles, I retrieved it, and after an awkward confession to my new husband, we took the rings to a jeweler for repair.
The jeweler suggested that I get all the small diamonds re-set; the prongs were wearing down. My mother-in-law had worn the rings for over 25 years. "Prongs eventually wear down, and you can start losing stones," the jeweler explained. We agreed that the reasonable cost of re-setting diamonds was far preferable to the high cost of replacing diamonds!
I was remembering this whole incident--which took place almost exactly 10 years ago--yesterday. A friend posted on Facebook that the diamond from her engagement ring had fallen out. She hasn't been able to find it, and she is of course quite upset. It just so happened that earlier in the day I'd had to run an errand next door to a local jeweler, and I'd noticed the sign in their window advertising free ring inspection and cleaning.
I'm going to take my rings in soon to get them cleaned and inspected. I'm going to specifically ask the jeweler when the prongs need to be replaced again. In fact, I can tell that some of the tiny prongs on the small diamonds are wearing down.
So if you get one lesson from these ring stories, let it be this: If you have rings with stones in them, get them periodically inspected. (And if you get one more lesson from these stories, let it be this: Don't crunch up rings in a garbage disposal, especially not when you're newly-married, and especially if the rings came from your husband's much-loved mother!)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
What a view (and I'm just talking about the bathroom!)
The Engineer and I had a great time on our short little getaway--it was just what this busy mama needed! Some pictures...
First we drove into the city where we were staying, and went to a late lunch at a posh steakhouse. We enjoyed excellent food and beautiful art deco decor. I mean, check out the bathroom. (Yes, that's a TV mounted behind the mirror. Just in case you need to catch up on the news while you powder your nose....)
And here we are, full of the best calamari ever, steak, and Bananas Foster:
After that, we headed to a theatre and saw the movie Crazy Heart (which was awesome.) When it was over I used my phone to take a picture, and we discovered that the flash is killer to eyes still adjusting to the light.
We headed to our hotel, where our 12th-floor room had this view:
In the evening, we relaxed in bed with the computer and watched Lost episodes on Netflix Instant. (No spoilers, please; we're only on Season 2!)
Saturday morning we wanted to take advantage of the hike-and-bike trail that passed behind our hotel. (Here's a view of it from our window.) We headed out for some walking and jogging and worked off a little of the rich food we'd had the day before!
We wrapped up the trip with an early lunch and some shopping.
Our trip was wonderful. I love my guy!
First we drove into the city where we were staying, and went to a late lunch at a posh steakhouse. We enjoyed excellent food and beautiful art deco decor. I mean, check out the bathroom. (Yes, that's a TV mounted behind the mirror. Just in case you need to catch up on the news while you powder your nose....)
And here we are, full of the best calamari ever, steak, and Bananas Foster:
After that, we headed to a theatre and saw the movie Crazy Heart (which was awesome.) When it was over I used my phone to take a picture, and we discovered that the flash is killer to eyes still adjusting to the light.
We headed to our hotel, where our 12th-floor room had this view:
In the evening, we relaxed in bed with the computer and watched Lost episodes on Netflix Instant. (No spoilers, please; we're only on Season 2!)
Saturday morning we wanted to take advantage of the hike-and-bike trail that passed behind our hotel. (Here's a view of it from our window.) We headed out for some walking and jogging and worked off a little of the rich food we'd had the day before!
We wrapped up the trip with an early lunch and some shopping.
Our trip was wonderful. I love my guy!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Six Word Saturday!
It's that time again...Six Word Saturday! To find out more about 6WS and to participate, check out Call Me Cate's super-dee-duper blog by clicking the button below.
My words:
Kid-free weekend. Do not disturb!
As I write this Friday, The Engineer and I are about to head to a nearby city, where we will stay overnight WITHOUT kids! Thank you to my parents for making this possible--our first overnight trip together since the kids were born! We'll be back Saturday, just a fun, short getaway as a late celebration of our 10th anniversary and The Engineer's 40th birthday.
My words:
Kid-free weekend. Do not disturb!
As I write this Friday, The Engineer and I are about to head to a nearby city, where we will stay overnight WITHOUT kids! Thank you to my parents for making this possible--our first overnight trip together since the kids were born! We'll be back Saturday, just a fun, short getaway as a late celebration of our 10th anniversary and The Engineer's 40th birthday.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday Micro: Now this is how to celebrate
For Valentine's Day we ordered take-out from Carrabba's, and the ordering process was so cool. Saturday we went to their website and entered our entire order online. Sunday The Engineer headed down there while I got the kids to bed, and they brought the food to his car, where he also paid. I didn't even have to pick up the phone, and he didn't even have to get out of the car!
We opened a $10 bottle of wine (that probably would have cost $25 in a restaurant), and I spent about $4 on the ingredients for these hand-made yummies:
I hope your day was a sweet one!
We opened a $10 bottle of wine (that probably would have cost $25 in a restaurant), and I spent about $4 on the ingredients for these hand-made yummies:
I hope your day was a sweet one!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wow...change really IS possible in marriage!
If you're married, you've probably heard it over and over: "Don't try to change your spouse. It won't work."
But really, if it's just something small, isn't it realistic for me to encourage The Engineer to change? Just a little bit?
We have been married 9 1/2 years. In that time, The Engineer has learned how to swim really well, how to change diapers, and how to buy me beautiful flowers that won't break our budget.
So it seems he'd also be able to learn one more thing--how to take a piece of clothing off a hanger and put the hanger on the row below, with the other empty hangers. But he's always had the habit of leaving the hanger where it was, empty and half-hidden between pieces of hung-up clothing.
When I became a stay-at-home mom a few years ago, I started doing most of the laundry. And this little habit, which had grated on me before, really started to annoy me, every time I hung up laundry. I brought it up to him, multiple times. I tried being nice; I tried snapping at him. He'd assure me he'd try to change, and the next week, I'd go to gather hangers...and I'd seethe as I grabbed a handful of my hangers from the DHS (Designated Hanger Spot) and then hand-picked hangers from his side of the closet, one by one.
But a few weeks ago, I made an astonishing discovery--after all these years, change is possible!
Only he's not the one who changed. I did.
You're going to have to bear with me here, because my way of changing is really Pollyanna-ish. It's cheesy and annoyingly optimistic. But it's working.
When I gather hangers, I no longer angrily muse, "Really, how hard could it be? If he really wanted to change, he would! Obviously he just doesn't want to!" Instead, I use that hanger-grabbing time as a time to think of something I appreciate about The Engineer. I admire how dedicated he is at work. Or I thank God about how amazing he is, training diligently for triathlons. It's crazy how quickly that puts me in a happy mood instead of an angry one.
Yep, change is possible. He may never change his hanger habit. But I've changed the way I think about that habit, and that's very satisfying.
***
Quick shout-out: I've posted about this outfit, and this one, from Chigger Hill Cottage. Check out the CHC dress giveaway over at the blog, Chigger Bytes!
But really, if it's just something small, isn't it realistic for me to encourage The Engineer to change? Just a little bit?
We have been married 9 1/2 years. In that time, The Engineer has learned how to swim really well, how to change diapers, and how to buy me beautiful flowers that won't break our budget.
So it seems he'd also be able to learn one more thing--how to take a piece of clothing off a hanger and put the hanger on the row below, with the other empty hangers. But he's always had the habit of leaving the hanger where it was, empty and half-hidden between pieces of hung-up clothing.
When I became a stay-at-home mom a few years ago, I started doing most of the laundry. And this little habit, which had grated on me before, really started to annoy me, every time I hung up laundry. I brought it up to him, multiple times. I tried being nice; I tried snapping at him. He'd assure me he'd try to change, and the next week, I'd go to gather hangers...and I'd seethe as I grabbed a handful of my hangers from the DHS (Designated Hanger Spot) and then hand-picked hangers from his side of the closet, one by one.
But a few weeks ago, I made an astonishing discovery--after all these years, change is possible!
Only he's not the one who changed. I did.
You're going to have to bear with me here, because my way of changing is really Pollyanna-ish. It's cheesy and annoyingly optimistic. But it's working.
When I gather hangers, I no longer angrily muse, "Really, how hard could it be? If he really wanted to change, he would! Obviously he just doesn't want to!" Instead, I use that hanger-grabbing time as a time to think of something I appreciate about The Engineer. I admire how dedicated he is at work. Or I thank God about how amazing he is, training diligently for triathlons. It's crazy how quickly that puts me in a happy mood instead of an angry one.
Yep, change is possible. He may never change his hanger habit. But I've changed the way I think about that habit, and that's very satisfying.
***
Quick shout-out: I've posted about this outfit, and this one, from Chigger Hill Cottage. Check out the CHC dress giveaway over at the blog, Chigger Bytes!
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