That darn school bell!

When kindergarten first started...



...I had no trouble getting Chickie to school early, every day.

What happened?! Lately it seems that more often than not, we're right outside the building, or in the hallway leading to her classroom, when that darn school bell rings!

This morning I thought we were doing great, and somehow things fell apart, and I was getting more and more stressed. I yelled at the kids to get in their car seats. I rushed as I walked them to the building. Chickie wanted to "play the crack game" in which she walks with one foot on either side of a sidewalk crack. Sometimes this slows her down. Today, honestly, it didn't seem to be slowing her down, but Mama did not have patience for a silly game!

I told Chickie to stop playing the game. She wouldn't. I grabbed the back of her backpack and attempted to pull her toward the school door on the shortest trajectory possible. She resisted, pulling the other way.

So I let go of the backpack, knowing she'd fall. She did.

It was not my proudest moment. I kind of felt like crawling into a turtle shell somewhere. Another parent was just exiting the building and he saw the whole thing. I avoided looking at him and explained to Chickie with a shaky, hormonal voice how much I just want her to be at school on time.

"I don't care if I'm on time," Chickie said.

"Well, I do," I said. "Don't you care about ME? Don't you want to care about it because I do?"

What a morning. I tried to force my daughter to hurry, and then I pulled her, and then I let her fall, and then I gave her a guilt trip. I felt about this big.

And then I spent the walk to her classroom apologizing to her. We were 10 feet from the door when that darn school bell rang. I took the time to give her a hug anyway, and sent her into her class.

As I drove home, I thought about what I should do. One option is to give Chickie a consequence if we're late because she's dawdling. (That was part of our issue this morning.) I may need to do that; she needs to learn to get ready more efficiently, and to care whether she's late or not.

But realistically, I know that there's one person in the house who has the most power over when we leave the house. And it's not Chickie. Or Zoodle. It's me.

I'm the one that sets my alarm at night. I'm the one that decides when to actually get out of bed and wake up Chickie. I'm the one that decides what all really needs to be done before we leave the house. And I'm the one that sets the tone, whether it's one of positivity and relaxation, or one of stress and anger.

So I've decided that we must leave 25 minutes before school starts (if we're driving) and 40 minutes before school starts (if we're walking.) That will get us to school 10-15 minutes early. I just have to build everything around that time. And I know on the mornings when something happens to mess up our plans at the last minute, we'll still have plenty of "cushion" so that we're on time. That means setting the alarm earlier, and choosing an attitude that somehow combines efficiency with patience.

I have a lot of influence over how my daughter's day starts. I want to use my influence for good, every morning!

Why I cried today...

My best friend (and this baby's mom) Ann did her first half marathon today! I met her at the finish line, and then she showed me what she'd worn on her back for the race.




(Thanks to Ann for providing the close-up shot of the sign.)

So, yeah, I cried. And then later I kept looking at it and thinking about it and getting tears in my eyes again. It totally made my day!

Ann's blog post about the race is WONDERFUL. She explains why she did it for me, and how she considered those 13.1 miles to be her version of "labor and delivery." You've got to read it, here.

GREAT JOB, Ann!! I'm so proud of you!

Smooth sailin'

I wrote last week about the challenges of being a gestational carrier. I'm so happy to report that these days, the sailin' is smooth.

Ann and I have tried to keep the lines of communication open through this process, but there have been times we just haven't known how to effectively communicate. Lately, however, we've both had breakthroughs that have made a big difference.

By sharing more about her pain, Ann has been receiving wonderful support from the people around her. She's finding so much freedom. I can see that a weight has been lifted from her. It's hard to live in dark places when there are so many people wanting to support you and bring you into light! The reality of cancer and infertility isn't always easy, but Ann is choosing to focus the bulk of her attention on the beauty of this situation, and to accept the love and support of the people around her.

Ann also encouraged me to be more open with her about how I was feeling--even when that's hard for her to hear. It's not easy for me to share things that feel "confrontational," but Ann made it so clear to me that she wants the truth! After writing my blog post, I was able to talk to Ann in more detail about my struggles with this process, and she's been so caring to me. I also have been choosing to enjoy spending time with Ann, instead of withdrawing due to my emotions and hormones.

In other words, Ann and I are both purposefully enjoying this process more, and purposefully doing things that help the other person to enjoy it too. It's a whole lot more fun doing it this way.

I know that the nature of this situation means there may still be emotionally-charged times, and that's okay. But Ann and I both feel we've crossed a bridge, leaving the most difficult times behind us. We're both really excited to experience the next 5+ months of pregnancy together, and to meet an amazing little baby at the end of that time.