This belly...

"Mommy, you still look like you have a baby in there." -Zoodle, a day after the baby was born.

"Mommy, your tummy is big. Why?" -Zoodle, yesterday.

Well, Zoodle, this belly is big because it's done amazing things. It grew and grew and grew for nine months, to accommodate a perfect baby's growth. The skin stretched. It got one of those weird, dark lines down the middle. Underneath, I could feel the cramps of ligaments, as they struggled to adjust to the growing bulk. I could see the blue veins under the skin, and was reminded that it's not just the skin and womb and ligaments that grow; it's the veins and capillaries too. My belly button gradually got flatter, and then poked out on top, like a little nose.

This belly morphed in amazing ways.

And then suddenly, all that space wasn't needed anymore, and I was left with a partially-deflated balloon that has gradually shrunk down over the last weeks. But when my four-year-old sees my bare belly, he notices it's still not back to normal.

And as I explain to him and Chickie that it takes time for everything to go back to where it was, I'm reminding myself too. Because I know this stretched-out skin, this "muffin top" that pokes above my pants, is testament to the incredible ability God gave me to grow a baby. To grow three of them, over the last seven years.

So as I try to patiently wait for my belly to shrink back down to size, I'm going to keep telling myself this:

My belly, home to babies on three separate occasions, may not belong on the front of a fitness magazine. But it is oh, so beautiful, because of what it's done for me, and for my family, and for another family. With the extra skin and the dark line and the droopy navel, it is beautiful.

And I am thankful for it. Just as it is.

I'm back! And I had a baby!

I wasn't quite sure how to announce that on my blog, so I figured I'd just come right out with it in the title of the post!

At some point in between my last post and this one, I had a baby. Not my baby, my best friend's baby. If that's confusing to you, you definitely need to catch up on some old blog posts.

I'm not going to write a lot about the baby here. I want to let Ann return to the world of blogging whenever she's adjusted to being a mama of three, and at that time she can share whatever she'd like to share. (I will, however, say that the baby is super-duper cute and cuddly, and does indeed have a gender, though I'm going to let Ann be the one to announce it!)

I'm also not planning to share a birth story at this point. This time it's not my story; it's ours. But I do want to tell you that Ann was completely awesome as my primary labor support! The midwife even told her later that she was the best labor partner she'd ever seen. My husband was fantastic too, and having both of them there was really important to me. But it was appropriate that the baby's mom be the one most involved in helping with her baby's birth. She was loving; she anticipated what I needed; she didn't freak out when I was in pain (loudly in pain at times!) Every birthing mom should have an Ann!

I'll also tell you that this was another beautiful birth at the midwife-staffed birthing center. It was challenging and miraculous and awesome. The baby was born into Ann's arms, and that seemed to me to be just so right. I was so happy to feel that way...to look at Ann holding her baby for the first time, and to joyfully realize that the baby was exactly where it belonged.

That's the thing.... I was so aware through the whole pregnancy, labor, and birth that the baby didn't belong with me. Carrying Ann and M.'s child was a joyous thing; I'm so glad that since they needed someone's womb, I could offer mine! But a baby belongs with its family! And being able to be part of uniting this baby with its family.... It was incredible. It was a huge privilege to be there when they met their child. It was awesome.

People have been pretty concerned that I'd bond with the baby and slip into depression after the birth, because of being separated from this life that I was connected to for nine months. But since the birth, I haven't once wanted to take that sweet child home with me! God really protected my heart.

That's not to say I've been happy 100% of the time. Of course I'm hormonal. I anticipated that. I'm also adjusting back to "normal life," after focusing so much on this pregnancy. Honestly, I miss sharing a pregnancy with Ann. It was an incredibly precious, unique, amazing experience. I miss that more than I miss the baby.

But even though it's hard to say goodbye to such a life-changing season, I know that things are now where they should be. Ann and M. are adjusting to being parents of three now. I'm re-adjusting to being "just" a wife and mom, and reminding myself that just because one important role in my life is past doesn't mean my wife/mom roles are any less important.

In fact, it's good for me to be able to re-focus on my own family. I found it so sweet to cuddle with my kids on the day of the birth, without a big belly between us! So yes, I miss the "shared pregnancy" experience, but I have a new appreciation for the precious relationships I have with my husband and children. And Ann and I built an intimate friendship that we expect to enjoy for a lifetime. I'm so incredibly blessed to have a friend like her.

So here I am. I'm back. I had a baby. And that birth was the culmination of an experience I won't ever regret. I will cherish the memories forever. The opportunity to share a pregnancy with my best friend was indescribably special. Thank you, Ann, for trusting me to join with your family in such a profound way!

After I wrote this post and saved it, Ann and I decided to publish our announcement posts at the same time. So if you want more details on the baby--including a picture!-- go check out Ann's blog!

Celebrations!

Ann and I are approaching the end of this special pregnancy. (Last week, Ann wrote a great update on how things are going for us. You can read it here.) We have about six weeks until the due date...or, as many have more-accurately called it, the "guess date!"

We are making a conscious effort to really celebrate at the end of the pregnancy. We're celebrating the baby, but we're also celebrating this whole process. It's beautiful and exciting!

So I think it's time for a recap on some of the ways we have been celebrating lately.

Photo Contest
If you "Like" C. Beth Blog on Facebook, you may have seen that Ann and I entered a belly photo contest, sponsored by a local spa that specializes in serving pregnant women. Our friend Kim took this photo, and Ann edited it.

I really love the photo! And...we found out a week ago that we won! We got a fantastic prize package, as follows:

• Monday, Ann and I will head to the spa for a 3D/4D ultrasound. Hopefully we can see what this little baby's face looks like! I'll then get a massage and a pedicure. Funny side note--early in the pregnancy I had an aversion to people touching my feet. Thankfully I've gotten over that and am looking forward to a relaxing time of pampering!
• Ann will also pick up some wonderful prizes on Monday...a really nice baby swing, a Moby wrap (to "wear" the baby), a diaper bag, and a really great gift certificate for a local newborn photographer. 
• Lastly, we'll get some free ice cream gift certificates for a local ice cream shop! Mmm.... Sharing a pregnancy is pretty great, but there's also something very special about sharing ice cream!

The contest was really exciting! We were really blessed by all the people who wanted to help us win, by voting and sharing with their friends. We feel so supported in this process. It's really wonderful to have so many people rooting for us. I don't just mean in the contest; I mean in this whole experience of sharing a pregnancy. Thank you if you were involved in helping us win such a cool prize package!

Relay For Life

Last month I posted about Relay For Life, which Ann and I decided to be involved in for the second year. It's a wonderful fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. This year we knew it would be extra-special. Not only was Ann there again as a cancer survivor, but this year we were a visual reminder to people that cancer doesn't have to win! Even when cancer took Ann's ability to be pregnant, it didn't take her ability to have children. (I have an image in my head of punching Cancer in the face.... Take that, Cancer!)

The relay last night was great. We didn't stay all night this year--in fact, we didn't even stay until 10 p.m.! I value my sleep these days! It was inspirational to hear the speakers and to see so many survivors. I was so honored to join Ann as she walked with many others for a "Survivor Lap"!

 

 For a better picture of the shirts we were wearing, keep reading!


Thank you to those of you who donated to help me reach my fundraising goal!

Ann wrote a blog post about the Relay. She has a great perspective on it, AND better photos than I have. You can check out her post here.

Baby Shower

Ann approached me a few months ago, letting me know she was hoping we could have a joint baby shower. I was so happy she wanted to include me! It turned out some friends from church were already talking about planning something. Our friends Marie and April really went all out, planning a very special time of encouragement, gifts, prayer, and fun; and we had an awesome baby shower this morning.

We wore the same shirts we'd worn to the Relay. A friend graciously donated her design services to us, and the shirts turned out so cute! I'm excited to find other times for us to wear them together before the pregnancy is over! Ann's says, "My Bun, Her Oven." Mine says, "Her Bun, My Oven."

 

Click to see a larger photo.

The baby shower had great food, including an ice cream sundae bar. Ann and I both love ice cream (and maybe the baby does too?)

 

 

It's hard to describe what an atmosphere of love the shower was for us. It was just wonderful.

I like this simple picture of Ann and me at the shower. A couple of happy mamas...

 

Ann got baby gear/supplies that she needed, and I got blessed with this super-awesome gift card bouquet! Starbucks, Amazon, Michaels, Target, Whole Foods, a movie theatre chain, and a "use-it-anywhere" Visa gift card...woo hoo!





It's been an exciting week! Ann and I plan to continue to find ways to celebrate and to enjoy this pregnancy, as it comes to a close. We're so blessed to have people around us who want to celebrate with us. Thank you for being part of that "group of supporters."

We know that God has orchestrated this awesome experience...the friendship between Ann and me, and the creation of this child. We want you to share in His love as you hear about this ongoing miracle.

It's time for Relay For Life again!

Last year, Ann and I did Relay For Life together. It's an annual event (held at many locations around the country) that raises money for the American Cancer Society. For 12 hours (overnight), each team is asked to have at least one team member walking around a track.



I was so proud last year to walk with Ann because she is a cancer survivor! Not only did she survive cancer itself; she's also survived all that came along with that--the difficulty of infertility, and the emotional toll of dealing with such a serious illness. To keep on going even when it's harder than anyone knows--That's survival.

This year I'm so proud to walk with Ann again, because I think that our "shared pregnancy" is an awesome sign of God's redemption. Cancer may have taken Ann's womb, but it didn't take away her dream to have more children. This isn't an easy path for Ann! Bearing her own children would have been whole lot simpler. Even giving up would at times have been easier. But she and her husband desired a larger family, and they have made the emotional and financial sacrifices to partner with God in seeing that dream fulfilled. That's pretty awesome. That's survival.

God made a way for them, so in the end...cancer didn't win! As we walk together this year, I want people to see that there is HOPE for those who suffer from cancer! Ann is living proof of it, and it's such a joy to walk alongside her (figuratively and literally!)

Before I ask you for a donation (you knew it was coming, right?), I'll give you full disclosure. At the Relay, I'll be six weeks away from our due date, and there is no way I'm staying up all night this year! So Ann and I will go to the event and spend a few hours there, and then we'll go home so we can get a good night's sleep while the rest of our team fulfills the commitment to keep someone walking around the track all night!

The purpose of Relay For Life is to raise money for the American Cancer Society. I'd prefer not to post the direct link to my donation page here, as it has too much personal information on it. But if I "know" you (even just through the Internet!), please leave me a comment here, or email me at cbethblog@gmail.com, if you'd like to donate. I'll send you a link to my page. You can donate as little as $10, and every little bit helps!

The other option is to purchase a luminaria. This is a paper bag that has sand and a candle in it. The luminarias will be placed all around the track where we have the event, and when it gets dark, they'll all be lit. Each luminaria is labeled "In Honor of" or "In Memory of" someone you know or have known with cancer. It's a really beautiful way to make a donation--and the $6 for each luminaria goes toward my fundraising goal! Again, please comment here, or email me at cbethblog@gmail.com, for luminaria information. There's a cool photo of the luminarias from last year's Relay on Ann's blog.

Join us in the dream of a world without cancer!

Birth...it's not just the HOW, it's the WHERE

I'll admit it...I'm a "birth junkie." I didn't even make up that term; there are many others like me!

Birth junkies love reading birth stories, especially those about natural childbirth. We're passionate about safe, meaningful birth. We believe that women's bodies are made to give birth, and that we can usually do it without a lot of medical interventions. (However, I join most other birth junkies in being very, very thankful to live in a time when one of the reasons birth is so safe, is because C-Sections and other interventions are available when they are necessary!)

Just because I believe most births can happen without lots of interventions, doesn't mean I think they must. I didn't want an unmedicated childbirth the first time around. Had I been forced into one, it could have been very scary for me. I believe women should be allowed to make choices about their births, as long as those choices are safe. But I've ended up with strong ideas about what the right choices are for me, and I love to share those thoughts with others!

I've had two very different--and very positive--birth experiences. Chickie's birth was an induction on her due date. I had an epidural, which I loved, and, after a short labor, gave birth in the hospital bed. I stayed there two days, and we all went home.



Zoodle's birth was in a birthing tub at a local birthing center. Again, it was a short labor--short and intense (i.e., painful!), without an epidural. I stayed there less than seven hours, and then we took our boy home.



I am blessed--I was prepared for natural childbirth (well, as prepared as one can be!) and absolutely loved the experience. But I'm not just passionate about having a med-free birth. One of the things that made Zoodle's birth so awesome was where it took place.

Hospitals are great places to be if you're sick or in need of medical attention! And I was treated very well at the hospital when I gave birth to Chickie!

But once I was committed to natural childbirth, I realized I wouldn't need the medical capabilities of a hospital. The birthing center (with certified midwives) offered a safe place to birth--where they could resuscitate a baby, stitch up a mama, give IV antibiotics, etc. (Thankfully, none of those was necessary in my case!) But because a birthing center is not a hospital, the available medical interventions aren't the focus. They're tucked away, to be used if needed.

So instead of being in a hospital bed, with monitors all around, I was in a room that looked and felt like a five-star hotel room; or like a guest room offered by an affluent, gracious host. Atmosphere affects relaxation! (And that relaxation isn't just important during labor--it's important afterward too, when the new family is bonding!)

The room where Zoodle was born has since been redecorated and is even prettier....

(I prefer not to link to the birthing center's website since it would give away my location, but feel free to email me if you're interested in this center.)

More important than the lovely atmosphere, however, is this fact: When a woman desiring to give birth naturally is assisted by a midwife in a birthing center or at home, the woman generally doesn't have to fight for what she wants.

When I was pregnant with Zoodle and we took Bradley birthing classes, one thing we talked about was how to defend your birth plan. Sometimes natural birth plans just don't line up with hospital protocol! But you know what? Defending my choices is one of the last things I'd want to do during an incredibly intense natural labor! Yes, I could have asked my husband and doula to advocate for me--but instead, they were able to use their energy supporting me, instead of fighting for me! The caregivers had the same priorities and desires for my birth that I had!

This particular pregnancy experience is so different than my others were, since this time I'm a gestational carrier. I'm sharing the pregnancy with my best friend. And Ann (the baby's mother) and I have been so thrilled with how we've been treated by the midwives at the birthing center! They "get it." They understand that I'm the patient, and Ann is the mother. They are committed to helping us achieve a birth experience that will be meaningful and beautiful for both of us.

One of the most important things that I learned from my wonderful, medicated birth (with Chickie) is that birth is more than just a means to an end. Birth is when we meet our children for the first time. Birth confirms that our bodies have done something amazing. (This includes medicated births and C-Sections!)

Birth is beautiful.

And when I realized that, I gradually realized something else: I wanted to fully experience birth--the joy and even the pain--and I wanted to do it in a place where I felt comfortable and honored. That place, for me, is a birthing center.

Your questions, answered!

I put out a call on Twitter recently, asking for questions to answer on my blog. (I unashamedly stole this idea from Call Me Cate.) Out of the dozens of questions submitted, I have chosen three to answer.

(Or maybe three people submitted questions.... Yeah, I think that was it.)

First, from the aforementioned Call Me Cate (Click her name to access her Twitter page):

Is there any culture or maybe a foreign city that fascinates you and why?

I've always wanted to visit Germany. My dad and brother both studied a little German, and I followed in their footsteps for a year in high school. (Which gives me very little knowledge of the language!) I'm not even sure what all I'd like to see there, but it's always been on my "to visit" list.

Also, Call Me Cate (who is really being prominently featured in this post, isn't she?) went to Barcelona, Spain a couple of years back, and she sent me the most awesome picture. There's a store there that is named after my kids! Well, not actually named after them, but it just so happens to be named "Zoodle & Chickie" (except that it uses their real names.) Another friend of mine visited Barcelona a few months back and confirmed that the little store (a souvenir shop) is still there. So I really want to go to Barcelona with my kids (and hubs!) and take their pictures in front of that shop. It's also supposed to be just a great city to visit.

On to Question 2! This one is from religionbites.

How are you explaining to the kids that the baby won't stay with you after it's born?

(For anyone just coming across this--I'm 18 weeks pregnant with a baby that belongs to my best friend Ann and her husband. I'm their gestational carrier.)

Because Ann & her kids are great friends with me and my kids, this one wasn't too tough, especially for Chickie. She was already aware that Ann and her husband's daughter ("Peanut") grew in someone else's tummy. So it wasn't too hard to explain.

I've just continued to reinforce over and over whose baby this is, and both of the kids have really caught on. In fact, Zoodle told some friends of ours, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy, but it's not our baby; it's Coqui (Ann and her husband's son) and Peanut's baby. Miss Ann doesn't have a uterus because her uterus got sick." Clearly my 3-year-old had been listening to me explaining details to my anatomy-obsessed 5-year-old!

And Question 3! This is from MrE187.

How is it going to feel to give birth and not have the baby around all the time?

Good question! I'm not sure since I just don't really have a frame of reference for this situation.

That being said, I feel like it's going to be easier than most people think it will be. I've heard so many comments about how hard it would be to "give up" a baby. But that's just not my mindset! From the very beginning, I've been 100% aware of the fact that this is not my baby! That makes it completely different than, say, giving up a baby for adoption. The baby will just be returning to its real family...to the mother and father whose egg & sperm started this whole process!

So the transition might not always be easy, but I don't think I'll be overwhelmed with grief and loss. How can I lose something that wasn't mine to begin with? This has always been a temporary situation in my mind, and I'm enjoying it from that perspective. It feels totally different than my own pregnancies felt.

Thanks for the questions! If you have more, you can leave them in the comments section.

Why I cried today...

My best friend (and this baby's mom) Ann did her first half marathon today! I met her at the finish line, and then she showed me what she'd worn on her back for the race.




(Thanks to Ann for providing the close-up shot of the sign.)

So, yeah, I cried. And then later I kept looking at it and thinking about it and getting tears in my eyes again. It totally made my day!

Ann's blog post about the race is WONDERFUL. She explains why she did it for me, and how she considered those 13.1 miles to be her version of "labor and delivery." You've got to read it, here.

GREAT JOB, Ann!! I'm so proud of you!

Smooth sailin'

I wrote last week about the challenges of being a gestational carrier. I'm so happy to report that these days, the sailin' is smooth.

Ann and I have tried to keep the lines of communication open through this process, but there have been times we just haven't known how to effectively communicate. Lately, however, we've both had breakthroughs that have made a big difference.

By sharing more about her pain, Ann has been receiving wonderful support from the people around her. She's finding so much freedom. I can see that a weight has been lifted from her. It's hard to live in dark places when there are so many people wanting to support you and bring you into light! The reality of cancer and infertility isn't always easy, but Ann is choosing to focus the bulk of her attention on the beauty of this situation, and to accept the love and support of the people around her.

Ann also encouraged me to be more open with her about how I was feeling--even when that's hard for her to hear. It's not easy for me to share things that feel "confrontational," but Ann made it so clear to me that she wants the truth! After writing my blog post, I was able to talk to Ann in more detail about my struggles with this process, and she's been so caring to me. I also have been choosing to enjoy spending time with Ann, instead of withdrawing due to my emotions and hormones.

In other words, Ann and I are both purposefully enjoying this process more, and purposefully doing things that help the other person to enjoy it too. It's a whole lot more fun doing it this way.

I know that the nature of this situation means there may still be emotionally-charged times, and that's okay. But Ann and I both feel we've crossed a bridge, leaving the most difficult times behind us. We're both really excited to experience the next 5+ months of pregnancy together, and to meet an amazing little baby at the end of that time.

What's up?

This time of year is a little crazy. I've been thinking how I need to blog about the crocheting I'm doing (lots of orders in the winter!), and Chickie's sixth birthday (three days ago!) and The Engineer's and my 12th anniversary (two days ago!) Lots of excitement. At some point I should sit down and gush about my kindergartener and how well she's doing with reading. I should do an interview with Zoodle, who has this awesomely cute voice and face--he definitely needs to be on video more often than he is.

All in time...or maybe not. Life just keeps swirling whether I blog or not!

And in that swirling life, there's the challenging stuff too. The stuff I haven't been blogging about. Well, okay, to be honest, I haven't been blogging about much at all. But I wonder if not blogging about the challenging stuff is stifling my blogging instinct altogether. So, here goes....

The Pregnancy

This journey as a gestational carrier...it's kinda crazy. It's emotional. And not in the ways I expected.

I expected that it might be confusing, bonding with someone else's baby. And so far, that just hasn't been very challenging. We'll see how things go over the next 5 1/2 months...and after the birth, when my hormones may toss me around for awhile!

But so far, I'm really trying to enjoy this pregnancy for what it is. I'm not bonding as a mother with this child, but I'm enjoying carrying him or her. I love my pregnant body. It's got curves it doesn't usually have, and I feel beautiful! I'm feeling little "taps" when the baby moves, and it's such a miraculous thing to know that a small human is growing daily inside me. My whole mindset is different than it was with my kids--as it should be. But I'm enjoying being this child's temporary guardian, and want to continue to enjoy that.

What I didn't anticipate--what I don't think any of us did--was that this journey would be so challenging for Ann. Onlookers (women, anyway) tend to think about how they'd handle being a carrier for someone else. Most people don't think about how it would feel to watch someone else carrying their child.

Ann really wants to carry her own children! When her daughter was carried by someone else, that situation had some really intense, unique stressors, and Ann was dealing with all that. This time, without those stressors, Ann is "free" to really feel. To really grieve the loss of her ability to carry babies. And it has been, at times, very, very painful.

It's also been at times very, very joyful! With the pain and the joy, it's been, as Ann has called it, a roller coaster! And since we are striving to join as partners and truly share this pregnancy, it has been a roller coaster for both of us.

I'll be honest--it's not just Ann! I've been hormonal, and emotional, and sometimes I've pulled away. Our friendship has been challenged with stuff that most friends never have to deal with. We haven't always handled it well along the way, but I think we're handling it well overall. We are communicating--a LOT--about what our needs are in this unique relationship. Ann is learning to share more with me. I'm learning to choose my attitudes instead of being controlled by hormones. We both dream of having a lifelong friendship, and we expect to come out of this particular 9 months with a much deeper bond because of what we're working through.

I see the fight that Ann is fighting, and I rejoice in her victories! She is learning so much about herself, and this time of difficult healing is leaving her stronger, as a woman and a mother and a child of God.

It's just been hard at times. Hard and awesome and emotionally difficult and emotionally thrilling and bitter and sweet. And so totally worth it. Ann and I both dream of that moment when this child comes out of my body and into her arms...that moment when this child's mother holds him or her for the first time. I dream of looking back at the journey and saying, "It was harder than we expected. But it was so much more beautiful than we expected, too."

Ann has given me permission to share links to two posts she recently wrote about her struggles and victories. The first, Resentments, is very "raw" but definitely conveys the depth of her struggles. The second post, In Good Times And In Bad Times, shows how she is finding joy through this process, and not letting the difficult parts overcome her.

The Engineer's Family

In my post about Christmas, I hinted at the difficulties that awaited us when we visited The Engineer's mom and stepdad. At this point, I still can't go into details. I'll just say...aging isn't always easy. Sometimes it's very painful, not just for the person getting older, but for the entire family. Decisions are being made, decisions that aren't easy or fun. And The Engineer is in charge of a whole lot of it.

He's awesome--I'm so proud of him. I see his desire to take the best care of his mother that he can take. I see his desire to make the best decisions that he can make. I see his pain, as he knows that sometimes there aren't any "good" choices, only a "best" choice. In less than a month, some changes will hopefully have been implemented. Honestly, none of us are looking forward to what's coming. We are praying for God's divine intervention in this situation, and as vague as this is, I'd appreciate your prayers too, if you're the praying type.

The pregnancy has to be way up on my priority list right now, and I'm so glad The Engineer is handling all the stuff with his family. He's busy with work and church, and his plate doesn't really have room for one more (big) thing, but he's handling it with a grace that makes me love him more. I just want to choose to trust that God's grace is even bigger than The Engineer's, and that He'll walk with us all through this.

So...that's what's up. And now that it's off my chest...I'm looking forward to writing some fun, "happy mommy" posts. Soon!

Pregnancy update!

Well, folks, tomorrow is a big milestone...12 weeks pregnant! Woo hoo!

Thankfully, my first trimester of pregnancy doesn't tend to be miserable. But it's also certainly not when I'm feeling my best. I get queasy, tired, and sometimes pretty cranky. Thankfully, over the last few weeks, those symptoms have been gradually dissipating. I'm feeling much more like myself again these days! And "myself" is a pretty good person to feel like!

I have been released from the fertility center, and we are now going to the birthing center where Zoodle was born. Ann and I had our first prenatal appointment there yesterday, and it was wonderful. The midwife we met with was awesome! She wants to give Ann and me the type of pregnancy and birth we both want--in which everyone treats Ann as the mother. We will meet with the other midwives throughout the pregnancy, and I expect them to all be totally supportive!

I have gained a few pounds...and boy does the belly pop out faster with baby #3! I'm enjoying my little bump and looking forward to its continued growth!

Q & A...Carrying a friend's child

If you missed my post on Saturday, you'll want to read it before you read this one! Here it is: A Big Announcement.

I really appreciate those of you who submitted questions! I have answers for you! (I did reword some of the questions.)

*****

Q. Will it be hard to carry a baby for nine months and then give it away?
A. This is the most common concern I hear! What's most important to realize is that from Day One, I've known this is not my child. That creates an entirely different mindset. (Honestly, at this point it's much harder for Ann than for me. She would really love to be carrying her own child!)

Think of it this way. If my own infant lived with me for nine months and then was taken away, it would be devastating. But let's say a friend (who works full-time) and her newborn come live with me for nine months. I take on a majority of the childcare for those nine months until my friend moves away, as planned. I would miss that baby! But I wouldn't want to keep it. It was never mine.

So I don't anticipate wanting to keep the baby--it's my best friend's baby, biologically and legally! I do anticipate I will miss the baby, after having it growing inside me for so long. Add in postpartum hormones, and I expect it to be an emotional time. But I don't think it will be devastating--just challenging! Mixed in with those challenges will be the joy of seeing that child often, and getting to know it--not as mother, but as auntie!

In order to be approved as a gestational carrier, I had to meet with psychologists and do psychological testing. (The Engineer, Ann, her husband, and I all met with the psychologist together too.) It feels good to know that, while there are inherent challenges in this type of situation, I've been "approved" as the type of person who handles those challenges well!

It also helps tremendously that Ann and I are considering this a "shared pregnancy." We see each other often. She comes to appointments with me. We've found other ways for her to feel connected to the baby and the pregnancy. There are frequent reminders that I am not this baby's mother! I'm just providing it with a place to stay for 9 months. (And the name "Beth" means "House" in Hebrew, so...maybe this is a role I was always meant to play!)

Q. Have you spoken to other gestational carriers about their experiences, unique things to expect as a carrier, emotional ups and downs, etc.?
A. I haven't. There are online message boards for carriers, but I think this is such an individual experience--what I struggle with will be different than what others struggle with. I didn't want to create problems in my head--I really want to stay positive! However, at the psychologist's office, we had an opportunity to discuss potential issues that many carriers and parents encounter. The psychologist who met with all four of us specializes in these situations, so she had great advice.

Q. How do your husband and kids feel about it?
A. The Engineer thinks it's great! When I first brought it up, he was open to the idea but needed time to adjust to it. Eventually he got used to the idea and saw it as a positive, a cool gift I could give to our friends. When the psychologist asked him if he would have trouble giving me emotional support through a pregnancy when it wasn't his child, his response was, "No, she's still my wife!" I loved that--and he has really been a great support to me!

The kids understand it and are excited about the process of pregnancy. They like to see pictures and diagrams of embryos online. They are young enough that they probably don't realize how unique this situation is, and they just "roll with it"! Sunday, Zoodle was talking to some friends of ours, and said, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy. But it's not our baby; it's Coqui and Peanut's [Ann's other kids'] baby. Their mommy couldn't have a baby because she doesn't have a uterus because her uterus got sick." (He's 3 1/2 years old!)

Q. Are you planning a natural birth again? Is there anything unique with how doctors/nurses/midwives will handle your situation?
A. I absolutely want to do another natural childbirth (maybe another waterbirth) at the same birthing center where Zoodle was born. We haven't met with the midwives yet, but I expect them to be very supportive.

Q. Is it/will it be weird having to explain to acquaintances and people you see around town? Do you expect criticism from people who just do not understand, and what will you say to them?
A. It can be a "different" thing to explain, but people love us and have been so supportive! And a large number of my friends are also Ann's friends, so they were already used to the idea since she's been through this process before. As for strangers who make comments when my belly is bigger, I'll just have to figure out what I want to say and when. When someone says to my kids, "Wow, you're going to have a brother or sister!" do I just smile, or briefly explain? (The kids may take care of it for me!) I'll figure it out as I go.

As for criticism, I think the best thing to do is just to briefly educate people on the facts (e.g., this baby belongs to its parents biologically and legally), and stay positive. This process is an awesome thing to be involved in, and I want people to know that--it's not just a blessing for Ann's family; it's a blessing for me too.

Q. Are there legally binding forms you sign going into this that automatically name Ann and her husband as the biological parents when the baby is born?
A. Yes; we have a long contract that covers everything from Ann and her husband's legal parentage of the baby, to my responsibility to follow doctors'/midwives' orders, to the fact that I have no right to name the baby. (I thought that clause was pretty funny!) We worked with lawyers who specialize in these situations. The baby will legally belong to Ann and her husband at birth!

Q. Will you provide breastmilk for the baby?
A. At this point I am not planning to. It's important to me that I be able to emotionally transition from the role of the baby's "temporary home" to the role of the baby's "auntie." Providing pumped milk would, to me, feel like a "mother" task, and it's very important to me that my mind and body remember that Ann is 100% this baby's mother! I'll be adjusting to the baby's absence, and I think that purposefully continuing to lactate would make that adjustment more difficult for me.

*****

I think this is such a cool process, but it's definitely not one that many people are familiar with. I want the people around us to understand it, and I hope the Q&A helped with that!

When I talk to a woman about this situation, she automatically wonders how she'd handle being a carrier. What a lot of women don't think about is what it's like to be a mother who needs to partner with another woman to bear her child. This is really a unique experience for Ann, complete with its own challenges and joys.

Ann has offered to do her own Q&A! If you have questions for her, please post them here as a comment, or email me at cbethblog@gmail.com. I really appreciate her openness! The more we can share, the more people can get used to--and celebrate--the creative ways that God grows families!

A BIG announcement (and a blonde joke)

Remember back in the '90s when blonde jokes were all the rage? I felt totally justified telling them, because at the time, my hair was dirty blonde. (It got darker as I got older...uh, I mean wiser.) Plus, I knew I had plenty of my own ditzy moments, so I could relate to the jokes! Anyway, there was one joke that I thought was so funny. (And if you have blonde hair, don't take this personally, okay?)

Q: What's the first thing a blonde asks the doctor when he tells her she's pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

Well, here's my big announcement...

I'm pregnant.

And it's not mine.

I know, I know...I've got a lot of explainin' to do!

So, remember my beautiful best friend Ann? The one who has filled such an important spot in my life? Well, Ann is a cancer survivor.



When she found out she had cancer over four years ago, Ann and her husband had a son, "Coqui," who is just a little younger than Chickie. They definitely wanted more children.

Unfortunately, the surgery that removed Ann's cancer (completely--yay!) also left her unable to be pregnant. But her doctor gave her hope--if they could find someone who wanted to be a gestational carrier for them (a more accurate term than "surrogate" for a woman who carries someone else's biological child), then they could have more children--children that were biologically theirs.

Ann and her husband let people know what they were looking for, and her husband's cousin quickly volunteered to be their carrier. In a lab, embryos were created with Ann's eggs and her husband's sperm, and one of them was transferred to their carrier. She became pregnant, and now Ann and her husband have a vivacious little two-year-old daughter, "Peanut."

But there was one embryo left, which was carefully frozen and stored for almost three years. Recently, this tiny little embryo was thawed and placed in my womb. We waited the requisite time for a blood test...and it came back positive! It's official.... I'm pregnant with Ann and her husband's third child! It's pretty ideal--The Engineer and I feel that our family is beautifully complete, and Ann and her husband feel that with one more, their family will be just right. They had an embryo that needed a place to grow; I have a uterus and enjoy pregnancy and childbirth. A great fit, right?

I'll be eight weeks pregnant tomorrow (Sunday, 11/20). We had the pleasure of seeing the perfect little baby on a sonogram this week, with its heart beating at a perfect pace. What a miracle! It will be so beautiful to see Ann and her husband meet their little one in person around July 1 of next year! And I know that child will be so special to me--I'm looking forward to being an honorary auntie!

So, I know this is a lot to take in. Most of us haven't ever known anyone who has been a gestational carrier. I know you probably have some questions, so I invite you to ask them here. You can ask anything--and I'll answer it, as long as I feel comfortable disclosing the information!

This is such a wonderful, beautiful, exciting, and unique experience. It's something I started considering when Ann and her husband were first looking for a carrier, over three years ago! I knew it would be so rewarding and I am deeply blessed and happy that it has worked out. What a huge privilege, to provide a temporary home to a baby who will then have the blessing of joining its wonderful family--a family who is so special to me. Wow--it's pretty awesome!

Ann and I see God's fingerprints all over this. He gave life to those little embryos and is protecting them...two-year-old Peanut, and her tiny sister or brother who's growing perfectly and getting bigger by the day. He gives me the desire to do this, and the excitement for it! He instills faith in Ann and her husband, so they can entrust me with their child for nine months. And we look forward to seeing His amazing creative miracle when this child is born! God is the One behind this--we want Him to have the glory!

Thanks for sharing in our excitement!

(Oh, and I hope to be blogging more often now. My mind has been so distracted by this exciting process and by early pregnancy that I haven't been on Twitter, Facebook, or my blog as often! Now that I am sharing this with my online community, I hope to be talking to you all more frequently!)

Bring on those questions...! (Don't be afraid to ask them!)

You can read Ann's announcement post here.

Edited to add: You can read my first Q& A post here--the answers to your questions may be there, but if not, ask away!