Last night we spent a quiet, intimate evening with nearly 100,000 of our dearest friends.
It was my first-ever college football game. Where we live, college football is more than a hobby, more than a passion. It is a religion of its own.
It's also a a very, very large petri dish. Did you know there are actually multiple subspecies of humans? They can be observed in their natural habitat at football games. Get ready for some weekend science education.
Homo Sapiens Geekinus
There's a little geek in all of us, but in this subspecies it is particularly evident. Note the brightening of the specimen's eyes when Homo Sapiens Marchingbandius takes the field and creates intricate formations. If you asked, this subspecies would admit that they find the band to be more interesting than the football game.
Homo Sapiens Miniaturius
This very young subspecies is too small to enjoy watching football but looks amazingly cute in a tiny jersey and official team sneakers. Often accompanied by Homo Sapiens Stressedanddistractedis.
Homo Sapiens Sportscasteris
This subspecies sits in the stands but desperately wants to be in the press box, so from its mouth continually comes a very loud commentary on the game. It is a fascinating subspecies, capable of being highly intelligent, amazingly accurate, and consistently annoying.
Homo Sapiens Hotheadandcuss (closely related to Homo Sapiens Neanderthalis)
You won't be aware of this subspecies until it is convinced that Homo Sapiens Referee has made a bad call. Then, even from very, very high in the stands, this species will do its best to make its voice heard on the field. Be aware that if Homo Sapiens Miniaturus is nearby, it may hear occasional loud, four-letter words.
Homo Sapiens Formercheerleaderis
This attractive subspecies is usually of the female variety. She has an excellent capacity for memorizing every word of the fight song, and always stands and enthusiastically takes part in fan chants and cheers. The specimen may be heard to declare to its mate, "We've got to stand up and show everyone how it's done!"
Homo Sapiens Lookatmelookatme
Occasionally among the myriad of fans you will see an impeccably groomed subspecies. If male, he is muscular and performs an interesting mating ritual called "strutting his stuff." If female, she is wearing the team colors, but her shirt is for some reason much smaller than the shirts of those around her, and she may have been recently attacked by a predator, as her skirt appears to have been torn off just below her hips.
Homo Sapiens Littlesisterus
This subspecies has been a football fan for a long time and going to a game is a dream come true. When asked after the event by her Big Sister (Homo Sapiens Geekinus) "What was your favorite part?" she replies, "All of it." She belongs in this full stadium, and she'll remember this game for a very long time.