Sunday, October 19, 2008

Homo Sapiens Footballfanius

Last night we spent a quiet, intimate evening with nearly 100,000 of our dearest friends.

It was my first-ever college football game. Where we live, college football is more than a hobby, more than a passion. It is a religion of its own.

It's also a a very, very large petri dish. Did you know there are actually multiple subspecies of humans? They can be observed in their natural habitat at football games. Get ready for some weekend science education.

Homo Sapiens Geekinus
There's a little geek in all of us, but in this subspecies it is particularly evident. Note the brightening of the specimen's eyes when Homo Sapiens Marchingbandius takes the field and creates intricate formations. If you asked, this subspecies would admit that they find the band to be more interesting than the football game.

Homo Sapiens Miniaturius
This very young subspecies is too small to enjoy watching football but looks amazingly cute in a tiny jersey and official team sneakers. Often accompanied by Homo Sapiens Stressedanddistractedis.

Homo Sapiens Sportscasteris
This subspecies sits in the stands but desperately wants to be in the press box, so from its mouth continually comes a very loud commentary on the game. It is a fascinating subspecies, capable of being highly intelligent, amazingly accurate, and consistently annoying.

Homo Sapiens Hotheadandcuss (closely related to Homo Sapiens Neanderthalis)
You won't be aware of this subspecies until it is convinced that Homo Sapiens Referee has made a bad call. Then, even from very, very high in the stands, this species will do its best to make its voice heard on the field. Be aware that if Homo Sapiens Miniaturus is nearby, it may hear occasional loud, four-letter words.

Homo Sapiens Formercheerleaderis
This attractive subspecies is usually of the female variety. She has an excellent capacity for memorizing every word of the fight song, and always stands and enthusiastically takes part in fan chants and cheers. The specimen may be heard to declare to its mate, "We've got to stand up and show everyone how it's done!"

Homo Sapiens Lookatmelookatme
Occasionally among the myriad of fans you will see an impeccably groomed subspecies. If male, he is muscular and performs an interesting mating ritual called "strutting his stuff." If female, she is wearing the team colors, but her shirt is for some reason much smaller than the shirts of those around her, and she may have been recently attacked by a predator, as her skirt appears to have been torn off just below her hips.

Homo Sapiens Littlesisterus
This subspecies has been a football fan for a long time and going to a game is a dream come true. When asked after the event by her Big Sister (Homo Sapiens Geekinus) "What was your favorite part?" she replies, "All of it." She belongs in this full stadium, and she'll remember this game for a very long time.


Angela said...

Ronnie & I were very pleased to see we were listed first! We are most definitely of the Geekinus variety. We even decided to forgo the crowds of Homecoming this year. We don't want to see the game, only the band. The band is performing at a marching festival by our house next weekend. We'll just go see them there.

Angela said...

Oh, and living in Alabama, it's a religion here too. It's one we don't participate in. People look at us funny when they mention "The Game" and we have no idea what they're talking about.

beckiwithani said...

My heart warms to think of you and the Big Brothers Big Sisters program helping your Little Sister to get something she's wanted so bad!

Anonymous said...

We just watch games on TV most of the time now. But, we have attended enough football games over the years to recognize most of these species. I would just add one more to your list -- "Homo Sapiens Justcametogetdrunkis" Some of them were terribly obnoxious, but some of them were really funny and sometimes more entertaining than the game!

C. Beth said...

Angie--I proudly join you as a Geekinus! A marching festival sounds like fun. I don't think I ever enjoyed watching in high school like I do now. Of course, the marching band at the university here is huge and amazing!

Becki--Yeah, she had a GREAT time! The tix actually came through The Engineer's work.

Sandra--Ha, ha, love it!! They don't sell beer at the stadium here but there were lots of pre-game tailgate parties, tents set up outside the gates, etc. I agree it can be very entertaining!

Becky said...

Hilarious! I'm glad your Little Sister enjoyed the game!

Kara said...

That sounds fun! We just went to Dartmouth's Homecoming game (Go Big Green!). It was fun, but I would love to go to a REAL college football game some day - us New Englanders don't do it right at all :-)